tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-62532422011-04-21T14:47:56.815-07:00the ramblings in my brain that need to escape and the questions i need answeredCathartic Pessimismnoreply@blogger.comBlogger211100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6253242.post-1094617644414886082004-09-07T21:06:00.000-07:002004-09-07T22:18:32.273-07:00

Cathartic Pessimismnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6253242.post-1089183647565304242004-07-06T23:46:00.000-07:002004-07-07T00:00:47.566-07:00

I thought that I was being so adult and mature by coming on a vacation by myself. But here I am on the evening of day 3, sitting alone in my hotel room. What does that say? Well, in my defense. I did just get back from visiting my friend, J, who lives out here. But today was just kind of a nothing crappy day. It started out good, I woke up next to J, that was very nice. It's good to start

Cathartic Pessimismnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6253242.post-1088401495686061962004-06-27T22:33:00.000-07:002004-06-27T22:44:55.686-07:00

Rows and flows of angel hair And ice cream castles in the air And feather canyons everywhere I've looked at clouds that way But now they only block the sun They rain and they snow on everyone So many things I would have done But clouds got in my way I've looked at clouds from both sides now From up and down, and still somehow It's cloud illusions I recall I really don't know clouds at all

Cathartic Pessimismnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6253242.post-1088378082858468722004-06-27T15:55:00.000-07:002004-06-27T16:17:50.020-07:00

I want to throw something, or cry, or yell out at the top of my lungs that this sucks! And why me??? Why do I never get to have the fun? Just once I would like things to go at least a little as planned, but NOOOOO, not for me, just the trials and tribulations of my everyday life bleeding over into those little planned vacations that I don't allow myself nearly enough of and ruining it! So

Cathartic Pessimismnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6253242.post-1087447432984976492004-06-16T21:24:00.000-07:002004-06-16T21:43:52.983-07:00

I wait too long between entries, all these thoughts swim around in my head looking for a way out, an escape, somewhere to go, but I just let them roll around and around...it helps to put them into words, here, or on paper, to really see what I'm thinking about. I read back on old journals that I have kept over the years, and so many of my entries revolve around boys. Boys that have hurt me, or

Cathartic Pessimismnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6253242.post-1086718850217521332004-06-08T11:08:00.000-07:002004-06-08T11:24:48.133-07:00

I hate feeling helpless, not only for myself, but for my friends. I feel bad when I send money, but I don't know how else to help. If I could find him a job, I would. I wish I had tons of money so that I could give him a bed of his own to rest his head, so he wouldn't feel so disconnected. I wish, I wish...but I can't. All I can do is sit here and send money sometimes and listen when he

Cathartic Pessimismnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6253242.post-1086459942486081982004-06-05T10:34:00.000-07:002004-06-05T11:25:42.486-07:00

I ended up in a place that at 16, I never thought I would be. By now, at 30 (almost 31), I was supposed to be married and have 2 kids and a house (got that) and a dog (got him too) have someone to wake up next to, someone to depend on, someone to take care of me when I really need it...but here I am instead. I'm happy. At least that's what I tell myself, over and over again...maybe it's true,

Cathartic Pessimismnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6253242.post-1085796112545436482004-05-28T18:59:00.000-07:002004-05-28T19:01:52.546-07:00

Weekend in Rocky Point, without the "whatever" third wheel, yet again, story of my life picture postcard from the balcony window of the clear blue water reading a book, laying on my stomach for too long, no sunscreen burned my butt and the back of my legs you'd think I would learn, but apparently not back to reality and the real world...

Cathartic Pessimismnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6253242.post-1085017705833466972004-05-19T18:42:00.000-07:002004-05-19T18:48:25.833-07:00

So my little sister was in town this weekend, recently married and newly pregnant, and she says to me that she wants me to have a baby. Well duh! So do I! But I think there are a few steps missing in the traditional path to motherhood. (not that I have ever followed the traditional path) So then I had this crazy thought, what if I pulled a "Will & Grace" and had a baby with my gay best

Cathartic Pessimismnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6253242.post-1084151551861650012004-05-09T17:53:00.000-07:002004-05-09T18:31:12.866-07:00

I can't believe that you were in town and I didn't even get to see you for five @*#!-ing minutes! And the worst part is that I don't even know if I am allowed to be upset by it. Do I have the right? I mean, sure, we had one night, and we've been friends for four years, but do I have the right to be pissed that all I got was a phone call and a message? I don't get it. I don't understand. I

Cathartic Pessimismnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6253242.post-1081583463939739772004-04-10T00:37:00.000-07:002004-05-09T18:31:47.163-07:00

I'm lonely. That's something that I haven't been in a really long time. I've been alone, but not lonely per se. There was always someone that I could call. Someone in town that I could hang out with if I so desired. But now Ryan's gone to be with Josh, and Jen doesn't have time for me since boyfriend moved to town. So that left Laura, but she's always with boyfriend, and that leaves me

Cathartic Pessimismnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6253242.post-1081231386071247852004-04-05T22:52:00.000-07:002004-05-09T18:33:25.450-07:00

I said I don't believe in regret, but do I really? How do you know when you've made a mistake. You're supposed to learn from your mistakes, right? But how do you determine which ones are the mistakes. Temporary happiness. I am starting to think it may be a bad thing. Happiness in the moment, and not long term. Instant gratification. Yeah, it felt good at the time, but now what. You're

Cathartic Pessimismnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6253242.post-1080290407525539802004-03-26T01:32:00.000-07:002004-05-09T18:32:38.200-07:00

Puffy red eyes as I drive home, trying to see the road, so hard to say good bye...but not good bye, just see you soon. I should be asleep right now, but I couldn't say good bye even for the evening. I need to be at work at 8 am and here I sit at 1:34 am. Why does it feel like breaking up with someone? I guess I am used to growing apart from people way before they move away, so being this

Cathartic Pessimismnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6253242.post-1079766010497978852004-03-19T23:50:00.000-07:002004-03-20T00:03:32.373-07:00

Do you ever read back on what you wrote, and think that maybe you were wrong? I think that sometimes I see things the way that I want to because I am afraid to see them the way that they really are. Fear...it's what drives me, and also what seems to always get in the way. What do I want...so yeah, I answered that, it was easy. Here, on my computer, sitting in the dark, by myself. Even on the

Cathartic Pessimismnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6253242.post-1079765012580600402004-03-19T23:38:00.000-07:002004-03-19T23:46:53.856-07:00

I want...to wake up in the morning, and not be alone; to fall asleep in the arms of someone who makes me feel safe; to feel the butterflies in the pit of my stomach just because you're standing near me; to be in wrapped in your arms and know that I don't have to let go; to lay on the beach and listen to the waves while we look up at the stars; to feel like I am worth more than just one night; to

Cathartic Pessimismnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6253242.post-1079498232877831252004-03-16T21:30:00.000-07:002004-03-16T21:40:29.983-07:00

Maybe it's because it's that time of the month, you know, that time when I get really emotional, but today I HATE EVERYONE! Okay, not everyone, but the ignorant people of the world who are just so dumb is makes me angry and want to scream! I know it's just a TV show, but the reality is that it represents a lot of the opininions that the people in this world have. That being gay is a choice,

Cathartic Pessimismnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6253242.post-1077693285637499022004-02-25T00:03:00.000-07:002004-02-25T00:18:15.310-07:00

Were you aware that the president of these united states is an idiot? If you weren't before, you should be after his ignorant, close-minded speech today. Why do I care, since I do not live an alternative lifestyle? Because some of my closest friends as well as close relative do. Don't they have the right to make a commitment to one another that is recognized by the state? The states have

Cathartic Pessimismnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6253242.post-1077495590296660872004-02-22T17:03:00.000-07:002004-02-22T17:24:17.733-07:00

So the people that we encounter on this crazy, turbulent path that we call life, are here to support us and teach us. So that means that every person that we encounter has some effect on us, whether it is lasting or fleeting. So how do you say good-bye to someone to whom you've given a piece of your heart? Someone who's effect on your life has been almost earth shattering? Someone who really,

Cathartic Pessimismnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6253242.post-1074142161706394002004-01-14T21:43:00.000-07:002004-01-14T21:51:13.483-07:00

Why is it that men have to be so confusing? So on Monday I call S, and he tells me to come and visit him at work. So I go and hang out while he works and he explains lateral analysis, wind load and seismic load to me. I'm interested, but half of what he says goes over my head. So we stay for over an hour and then he says we should get something to eat. We get ice cream and sit outside the

Cathartic Pessimismnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6253242.post-1072636675257464472003-12-28T11:32:00.000-07:002003-12-28T11:38:12.133-07:00

Okay, so there are these two boys. One (J) I have known for about three years, he just broke up with his fiancee, he doesn't even live here, but he seems to be pursuing me. Then there is this other boy (S), who I have known for about two years. I accompanied him to his company holiday party (formal), and then the next weekend to a birthday party for a co-worker of his. The question is, were

Cathartic Pessimismnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6253242.post-1072553749554490102003-12-27T12:31:00.000-07:002003-12-27T12:36:06.053-07:00

well, here goes. I have been thinking about doing this for a really long time, but somehow I have never had the guts until now. What do I want to say on this my first time here and the initiation of the insight into my crazy head? There are so many questions that I need answered, and yet where do I begin? I could ramble endlessly about the rumblings in my brain that just keep going and going,

Cathartic Pessimismnoreply@blogger.com0